Soulfood (16) Marriage and Fighting

      The best and the worst marriages remind me of prize fighting in the sport of boxing. The worst marriages, because there’s blood and bruises everywhere. They are bent on slugging it out to the bitter end or until one of them quits. We’re sad to see one of them throw in the towel. What had great prospects ends in defeat by resignation.  Nor should one of the partners completely demolish the other until he or she is just an empty shell of what they once were.

       How then is the best of marriages comparable to the sport of the pugilists? The likeness is in the rule keeping. No horseshoes inside the gloves. No low blows. No biting or head butting. No kicking. Obeying the commands of the referee. Only box with the 10 or 12 ounce padded gloves. No punching when the opponent is down. No sucker punches to the back of the head. No hitting below the belt. When the referee calls for a break the boxers must each take a step back before continuing the match.

       You may already have seen the parallels. Fights happen in every marriage. Yes, even the strongest ones have disagreements. You don’t cease to have opinions after wedlock!  For a marriage to be strong, the partners must make themselves heard and understood on the important developments that life brings towards them. Sounds good – until the back and forth disagreeing gets heated.

       After 40 years of pre, and during, marriage counselling I offer you some of the rules I have helped couples set down on paper. Why paper? When a rule gets broken it helps to be able to point to a previous agreement.

       No horseshoes inside the gloves. When fighting let’s not escalate the words to levels beyond what the present clash requires. “You always” or “you never” are seldom accurate. Throw out those old horseshoes. They don’t belong in your battles. 

         No low blows, no biting or head butting. The marital equivalent is name-calling. The spouse who resorts to that is both unworthy and disrespectful. That spouse has lost sight of the objective of the conflict. We fight about an issue, not against each other. We fight to find resolution rather than to belittle each other.

        No punching when the opponent is down. Read each other’s emotions. A low day may look to you like an opportunity for an easy victory. It seldom turns out that way. Pick the right time for a serious marriage tussle. Going out for a meal and fighting may not sound best but low talk in a public place could work.

       When the referee calls for a break the boxers must each take a step back before continuing the match.  You are not likely to have a third party to objectively monitor all your duels. But there is great value in whoever needs it to call a “time out” in the argument. Go cool down.  Walk around outside. Pray. Consider. Then make sure you come back and resume the rumble.

       No sucker punches to the back of the head. No surprises in your heated discussions. Be completely fair and completely open. 

       Boxing happens inside a defined ring. Don’t fight in the bedroom – ever! In fact having a particular room or place turns out to be best. You have to go there. You have to stay there until it’s over. When it is, some couples have a decision book where they write down what was agreed and both sign it.  Fight. By all means fight, but do it fairly and within your rules. Not mine, yours! Discuss this. Decide and then keep to those rules.